JOKES we really need one again

Aaaahh! There is nothing quite like the genital knocking that grows to an established and frantic banging... I hope you gave her at least a few extra points for making you smile.

The sweet young thing was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. As she got everything ready she sternly reminded herself to let the turkey finish thawing in the sink overnight. She put it in and placed a dishrack over the top of the bird.

Her new husband walked into the kitchen and asks "Why the dishrack?"

"Mom always did that to help the turkey thaw" she said.

The next day Mom called to see how everything was going.

"Fine, Mom. I have everything ready to go in the oven. I even remembered to put the dishrack over the turkey last night."

A moment of silence, then, "What are you talking about?" Mom asked.

"Oh, I remembered how you always put the dish rack over the turkey when it was thawing in the sink," she said.

There was a pause on the end of the line. "Yes, I did. But honey, you don't have cats!"

Not really jokes but some of them will at least make you smirk...

I spent a hour at my wife's grave today.....silly woman thinks I'm digging a pond.

Now this isn't so much a joke as it is a tounge twister, but its great hearing people attempting to say it without cursing.

Start off by asking someone to reply to the famous tounge twister "Woodchuck"

-How much wood could a Woodchuck chuck if a Woodchuck could chuck wood.

After their reply of
-A Woodchuck would chuck all the wood a Woodchuck could chuck if a Woodchuck could chuck wood... (this second part is even better if they can't say this correctly)

Now ask this poor soul to do the "Fudpucker"

-How much fud could a Fudpucker puck if a Fudpucker could puck fud.

Proper responces consist of:
-A Fudpucker would puck all the fud a Fudpucker could puck if a Fudpucker could puck fud
-AND-
-Let me go ask Bugs Bunny.

President's Day

When Cocoa HURTS

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with a friend and her 6-year-old granddaughter. She was pretty animated as she talked about school and friends and teachers.

As I sipped my cocoa, I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" Waiting for her reply with something about Washington or Lincoln etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot cocoa spurts out your nose.

Yes, That they do. ;D ;D

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ...
How much water did you drink!?

That last one is probably why they discontinued the Joke Page..

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

A woman was hauling ass to work one morning when she was pulled over by a police officer. He asked her "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

The woman looked at him and said "Of course. I was speeding, but I can't be late for work, I'm the anus strecher".

This shocked the officer, and he had to ask "What do you do??!"

After a small pause, she said "I start by massaging the anus with one finger sliding it in and out, around the rim, until I can fit 2 fingers in and I keep massaging and massaging,3 fingers, then 4 until my whole hand is inside"

The officer was in complete disgust as she continued...

Once I have my whole hand in, I keep massaging until I have both hands in, and I start streching, massaging and streching some more until until it's 6 feet wide".

The officer had never heard anything like this in his life and had to ask...

"So what do you do with a 6 foot not a very nice person???!"

She said "You give him a radar gun and put him on the side of a bridge".

You can't get anything past Gary, Dan & Wyn....