geddes66
Junior Member
Now I am an instructor at the RTS-M, Camp Roberts CA. Teaching new Army mechanics.
Posts: 87
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Post by geddes66 on Mar 6, 2010 13:45:32 GMT -5
I cannot believe that we have not re-instituted the joke board!! Next I will find there is no "Movie quotes to have fun guessing with.
Forgive me if these have been heard before.
One day in the future, O.J. Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
O.J. thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. 'No,' O.J. said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented O.J. The devil opened a third door. Through it, O.J. saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
O.J. looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'
The devil smiled and said . . . (This is priceless) 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!!!!'
A man boarded an airplane in Baltimore with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. he was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn!
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Post by lilhack69 on Mar 10, 2010 1:04:25 GMT -5
Redneck Medical Terms
Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by
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Post by smyrnaguy on Mar 10, 2010 13:54:05 GMT -5
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took
It to the clerk to ask what it was..
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing......I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
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Post by lilhack69 on Mar 10, 2010 21:17:40 GMT -5
Redneck Driver's License Application...
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know
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geddes66
Junior Member
Now I am an instructor at the RTS-M, Camp Roberts CA. Teaching new Army mechanics.
Posts: 87
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Post by geddes66 on Mar 20, 2010 17:32:44 GMT -5
Redneck drivers license... ROTFLMFAO
OK at the risk of offending some here are a set of H/D jokes I found on the Kawi web site.
What's the cheapest way to get another 50hp from your Harley?
Trade it in on a Kawasaki.
Why don't Harley riders sit on their bikes when the sidestands are down?
They're afraid to lean over that far.
What's the difference between a Harley and a Harley owner's home?
The Harley costs more and has fewer wheels.
How do you now you're riding a Harley?
While coming off an exit-ramp you get passed by a Vespa.
Why don't Harley riders wave at sportbike riders?
Because they don't want to drop their tools.
How do you know all the aftermarket parts you bought for your Harley are worth the money?
You finally break into the 15's in the quarter mile.
How do Harley engineers tell if a bike is worthy of the Harley name?
They check to make sure the exhaust noise in decibels exceeds the horsepower rating.
Why don't Harley owners smile?
Once you realized you got conned into paying $25,000 for an outdated piece of $#!+ would YOU be smiling?
You know you're a Harley rider if...
....you're unable to let your bike simply IDLE at a stop light.
....you confuse the word "character" with the more accurate term
"engineering flaws."
...."water cooled" means standing on the side of the road, in the rain, waiting for a your buddy to come in his pickup truck.
BTW FYI My bike is an old (but still pretty BMW K100RS w/220,000 miles on it.
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geddes66
Junior Member
Now I am an instructor at the RTS-M, Camp Roberts CA. Teaching new Army mechanics.
Posts: 87
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Post by geddes66 on Mar 25, 2010 16:49:48 GMT -5
In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day:
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance,' she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
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geddes66
Junior Member
Now I am an instructor at the RTS-M, Camp Roberts CA. Teaching new Army mechanics.
Posts: 87
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Post by geddes66 on Mar 25, 2010 16:58:30 GMT -5
One Wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge."
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geddes66
Junior Member
Now I am an instructor at the RTS-M, Camp Roberts CA. Teaching new Army mechanics.
Posts: 87
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Post by geddes66 on Apr 8, 2010 15:47:43 GMT -5
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest in a long time and I am sure it echo’s the frustration call center staff feel at times, however, I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you log out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: “It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.”
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put yourself in the right angle where you can see?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark?"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power.................................. ....A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Tell me, do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"
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geddes66
Junior Member
Now I am an instructor at the RTS-M, Camp Roberts CA. Teaching new Army mechanics.
Posts: 87
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Post by geddes66 on Apr 13, 2010 13:20:43 GMT -5
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me
housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America "The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not
American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
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jdanko18
New Member
75 Bradley GT
Posts: 20 
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Post by jdanko18 on Jul 12, 2010 9:49:29 GMT -5
Hey... did you guys hear BP finally stopped the leak in the Gulf?
They put a giant wedding ring around it and it stopped putting out.
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Post by Wyn on Aug 10, 2010 22:22:50 GMT -5
DEAR LORD,
THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE.
YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT.
YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON.
I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA.
AMEN
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Post by pulso57 on Aug 14, 2010 20:18:41 GMT -5
WYN,
ahhahahahahahahahahahah
upsssssssssssss
jerry
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Post by thehag71 on Sept 22, 2010 4:45:41 GMT -5
Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?  1 drunk guy! What do you call a smart blonde??? A Golden retriever! |
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Post by thehag71 on Sept 22, 2010 5:03:47 GMT -5
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a beer. The bartender says "I'm sorry but you can't have a monkey in here. " The guy says "I just want one beer and I promise that you won't even know the monkey is here." The bartender says "ok, fine, one beer." He serves the guy his beer and all of a sudden the monkey goes crazy, starts running all around the bar, shoving stuff in his mouth, throwing things around and then runs over to the pool table and eats the cue ball. The bartender tells the guy that he is gonna have to leave. The guy apologizes, pays his tab and leaves. Two weeks later the same guy comes into the bar with a monkey and orders a beer. The bartender says "I'm sorry but you can't have a monkey in here." The guy says "I just want one beer and I promise that you won't even know the monkey is here." The bartender says "ok, fine, one beer." He serves the guy his beer and all of a sudden the monkey goes crazy, starts running all around the bar, shoving stuff in his mouth, throwing things around and then runs over to the drink station, takes a maraschino cherry, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender can't believe what he just saw and goes over to the guy and says "You gotta go, your monkey just shoved a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" The guy replies " I am really sorry about that, but ever since he ate that cue ball a couple of weeks ago, he test fits everything first!"
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Post by thehag71 on Sept 22, 2010 5:09:53 GMT -5
Seriously, How many members are on this board? Every member should leave at least one joke here. There has to be more jokes than what has been posted so far. I am a bartender and I have bunches of them, which I will gladly post, but I need new ones for my customers(they love them which = more tips for me, which = more money for the baby fund, which = happier significant other,which means I can spend more on my projects, which means bradley gets on road sooner  .) Leave one, get one. |
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geddes66
Junior Member
Now I am an instructor at the RTS-M, Camp Roberts CA. Teaching new Army mechanics.
Posts: 87
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Post by geddes66 on Oct 18, 2010 23:22:55 GMT -5
OK, this is not a joke, but it is really funny.
This is my way of looking at life!
"The Mayonnaise Jar"
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
When 24 hours in a day is not enough;
remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and start to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
H e then asked the students again
if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
With an unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - God, family,
children, health, friends, and favorite passions
Things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car.
The sand is everything else --
The small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are
important to you.
So...
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
There will always be time
to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.
'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'
One of the students raised her hand
and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'
Please share this with other "Golf Balls"
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Post by thehag71 on Nov 4, 2010 1:43:56 GMT -5
If you are under the age of 30, you may not get it. If you are over 30, you may get it as it is based on an old coca cola slogan.
"What do monsters eat?"
"things."
What do monsters drink?"
"Coke! Things go better with coke."
I know it is cheesy, but it usually gets a smile.
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Post by mrbigh on Nov 10, 2010 17:05:17 GMT -5
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
' No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
" Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's d**n near perfect."
And then the fight started........
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Post by Dan MacMillan on Apr 20, 2011 10:22:40 GMT -5
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head thingyed to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
One note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was..
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
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Post by kitcarguy on Apr 20, 2011 18:07:26 GMT -5
What do you get when you put a dollar over a blonds head?
H
E
H
E
H
E
H
E
All you can eat for under a buck!
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Post by thehag71 on May 19, 2011 23:22:06 GMT -5
A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and starts crying for his mommy. His mommy comes into the room and says "What's the matter?" The little boy replies "I have to tinkle." "I'll take you." says mommy. "No I want grandma to take me." "Why would you want grandma to take you?" asks mommy. Little boy replies "because her hand shakes!"
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alex
Junior Member
Posts: 62
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Post by alex on May 22, 2011 9:05:21 GMT -5
Hmm....a different take on the mayonaisse jar: Every time you and your girlfriend make love, put a penny in a jar. After you two marry, every time you make love take a penny out of the jar. The jar will never be empty..........
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Post by thehag71 on May 25, 2011 2:23:23 GMT -5
What do you call an Ethiopian in a dinner jacket??? Optimistic.
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Post by Dan MacMillan on May 25, 2011 12:13:53 GMT -5
Best Divorce Letter Ever
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
This is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."
Two weeks ago I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her very *friendly* persony shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please, let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the f**king remote is?
Love Dan
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Post by mj on Aug 25, 2011 22:05:28 GMT -5
A husband goes to his doctor and said, "I think my wife is going deaf. Any advice?" The doctor answered, "Ask her something when her back is to you.'
He goes home and his wife is working at the kitchen sink. He asks, "Hi, Honey, what's for dinner?" No answer. "He asks again, "Sweetheart, what are we having for dinner?" No answer. Finally he says, "Hey, what's for dinner?"
She turns around to face him and said, "For the third d**ned time, I told you we are having chicken!"
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Post by kitcarguy on Aug 26, 2011 9:43:17 GMT -5
I do not always drink milk but when I do I prefer DOS BOOBIES. Stay healthy my friends!
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Post by thehag71 on Sept 28, 2011 5:08:48 GMT -5
A guy goes to his doctor and says H-h-h-h-hey D-d-d-d-doc, I h-h-h-have a s-s-s-s-s-stuttering problem, c-c-c-c-can y-y-y-you help me? Doc says, maybe let's give you a checkup. Doc proceeds to give the guy a full checkup and then says to him, I know why you have a stuttering problem, Your thingy is way too big and because of that, it is putting a downward strain on your vocal chords which causes your stutter. The guy says w-w-w-w-ell doc w-w-w-what can be d-d-d-d-done about this? Doc says, I can remove 3 inches of your thingy and that should make your stuttering problem go away. The guy says I-i-i-i I d-d-d-d-on't know a-a-a-about removing some of my p-p-p-p-thingy, I have a-a-a-a-always d-d-d-d-riven the girls c-c-c-crazy in b-b-b-b-ed, I will h-h-h-h-have to ask my g-g-g-girlfriend ab-b-b-b-out that. Doc says that is fine. Guy goes home and asks his girlfriend about it, and since he can't speak all that well, and he can't find a good job because of his speech impediment, she says that it would be ok with her. Guy goes back to Doctor and says o-o-o-ok doc, I have d-d-d-decided to have the p-p-p-p-procedure d-d-d-done. Doc performs the procedure and removes three inches of his thingy and the guy can now speak without a stutter, but he notices that sex with his girlfriend just isn't the same. She used to moan a lot and thrash all around while having sex, but now just kinda lays there and really doesn't seem to be enjoying it. Guy goes back to his Doctor and says Hey doc, I can now speak with no stutter, I am not self conscious about how I sound while talking, and have even gotten a better job, but I have a problem with my sex life. My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex like she used to and I think it is because my thingy is now three inches smaller, can you please put the three inches back? The doctor says to him. s-s-s-s-s-s-crew y-y-y-y-y-ou!
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Post by thehag71 on Sept 28, 2011 5:14:16 GMT -5
A guy and his date are driving down a dark country road when he pulls off to the side of the road. His date says to him, This isn''t the Out Of Gas trick is it? He replies, No this is the hereafter trick. She says to him, What is the hereafter trick? He replies to her, If you aren't here after what I am here after, you are gonna be here after I am gone.
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Post by thehag71 on Oct 4, 2011 5:01:10 GMT -5
A communist, a muslim and an illegal immigrant walk into a bar. The bartender says "Good afternoon President Obama, What can I get for you!"
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Post by thehag71 on Oct 4, 2011 5:02:07 GMT -5
Three blondes walk into a bar. You would think that at least one of them would have seen it!
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.) Leave one, get one. 
